(Minecraft drama!) thoughts and journalling part 2

 View part one here: https://ahaehym.blogspot.com/2026/03/recent-thoughts-and-journalling.html

There is more gaming drama, and this time it comes from my home turf of Minecraft! I have long since retired from Minecraft PVP. I played from 2016 to 2021, and I primarily played on the 1.8 version (still superior in my eyes). But for a long time now, PvP has moved from 1.8 to the more recent versions. Because the entire PvP community was built on 1.8, 1.9/modern version players have created their own community. Nowadays it’s way bigger than the 1.8 PvP community I used to play in. I like to watch the “new” wave of MCYTbers (the wave after dreamSMP) and they have massive channels: average around 1 mil subs. 

There was a server called MCtiers that popped up as the prime PVP server and where you got your skill level tested, from what I know it didn’t even use an elo system, it was based on what OTHER players thought your skill level was (wtf is this bullshit lmao). So you would fight a “tester”, they would evaluate how they thought u did and give you a rating/rank. The top player was a person named “Marlowww” she was also the server owner I believe. She dominated all of categories and was considered the best Pvper..

Anyways, Marlowww was a cheater who used many hacked clients, and was exposed to have not even been a girl and was catfishing. This was huge news because Marlow using their high status in the community would keep people silent by banning, rallying their fans, to silence other creators. The part where Marlow pretends to be a girl is important (and really funny!) because players within the community have BEEN suspicious of Marlow, but people would chalk up any criticism as sexism and jealousy. And I won’t even lie that the Minecraft pvp scene is like 90% guys. Now this is absolutely awful for women in gaming. So far in 2026, we have had the Kingsman situation in marvel rivals, now the Marlow situation: both events basically set women in gaming back 50 years. Now if there’s a good Minecraft pvper who happens to be a girl, people are gonna assume she’s hacking, or that she’s a guy… 

Now to my thoughts and what I found the craziest: so apparently Marlow was previously known as “DangerMario” some kid known for griefing in Minecraft spaces. He realized he could use his high pitched voice to pretend to be a girl, gain some legitimacy, and create this Marlow persona. The FUNNIEST part is someone said DangerMario’s balls dropped during the 4-5 year activity of the Marlow persona, so he couldn’t fake his voice anymore, so he used an AI voice changer! If you go to the  most recent Marlow videos where he responds to the allegations, you can hear the voice changer, it’s SO OBVIOUS! How did people not immediately realize! This is why the 1.8 community was better (it’s not) 

So someone got Marlow in a call and asked them to sing “do re mi fa so la ti do” and Marlow couldn’t because the AI would so obviously fuck it up, so he pretended his electricity cut out… at this point it was cooked, now the memes of “Marlow vs do re mi” were spreading. I think the worst part is a lot of girls actually did look up to Marlow, it must suck for them. But this is why Minecraft PVP is a curse. Technoblade is our king of PVP and the only one we could trust. 

I haven't told people but I have been taking Japanese in school for the past 3 months and I think I will be sticking with learning it independently for a while. I've been grinding Anki and hope to take it seriously. There is many reasons why I don't exactly tell people though, because of the connotations... the weeb "I'm gonna move to japan when I turn 18" people, the "Japan is living in the year 3000", and the nature of the people who learn japanese and feel the need to flaunt it. But moving on to my class, I really like my teacher. My class is very small, 7 people in total actually. It helps gives a lot of opportunity to speak, my teacher does many turn and talk speaking activities. And surprisingly, the people in my class are super cool too! I think this is mainly due to the fact the class I am taking is a more mellow class, and people in my class are seniors, graduate students, people who want to learn but are very busy outside of class. But there is one guy who I find interesting. 

He a tubby guy who looks rather old, but apparently he’s a freshman. Compared to the masters student in my class, he looks 10 years older lmao. Maybe he is older because he entered college at later date. Anyways, he talks a lot about anime. Sometimes my teacher will do a speaking exercise and ask us things like "What did you do this weekend?" in japanese and have us respond in Japanese to practice. He would respond with: I watched anime. My teacher is very nice, she asked him what anime? I braced myself for the answer he dropped: my dress up darling. 

Ok. I know people like my dress up darling, but it my eyes its another ecchi hetslop romcom with a teenage girl with big boobs and the main character is a mid as boy. I know that in this anime the main character is a good person and not a complete BUM like rent a girlfriend, but it doesn't matter because why would you watch that shit when you could just watch cosmic princess kaguya. anyways my teacher looked around and asked was like "wow, has anyone heard of this anime before" and I was holding back ANY sort of facial expression super hard. I basically never talk about this in real life unless it's mainstream stuff like JJK that's easy to latch into conversation. Actually I barely watch anime now, I don't know whats happening in chainsaw man, nor JJK, or spy x family or something. Im an og watching naruto when i was 8. I could tell you most the plot points from Naruto to Naruto shippuden. 

Naturally during class we would have turn and talk exercises so I do talk with him and get some pieces of the puzzle. I recall during one instance when I asked him something like "Where would you like to go to in Japan (preset question from my teacher)" he said akiharabara and that he wanted to buy anime figurines and take photos of cosplayers. Ok fair enough, im not gonna judge a book by its cover, but he REALLY does seem like the stereotype; if he's actually a pure soul i apologize deeply for my assumptions. I eavesdropped a bit in a different convo and listened to what animes he said he liked, but he dropped pretty basic ones like love is war, chainsaw man. Like I thought he might have SOME sort of ball knowledge and like maybe at least bocchi the rock or k-on? Those r pretty mainstream, but nah he not even a real one like that. As for me I silently judge everyone's taste in anime because I literally only read yuri manga and unfortunately everything I read is "niche". Not niche enough to be considered cool in actual geek circles but niche that i dont want to talk about it irl. I mean how many people irl know slow start? I wonder if he knows what Touhou is... because he looks like he would have some mediocre surface level ball but maybe he's just hiding it. Or maybe he just watches hentai. I hope the latter is not the case. I am very judgemental I hope I am wrong.

Part 3 incoming... maybe! I actually have a bunch of thoughts I just wanna ramble about 

Recent Thoughts and journalling!

 Ah! I gotta stop "disappearing." I've been very motivated on my website but not updating very often. Along with my blog as well. So many things I wanted to write about but I just forgot to actually write! It's already been a month since my last blog? Time just goes way too fast. 

Recent thoughts. I've just been taking education seriously because it serves as a good distraction and reminder of why I'm here. At the very least, I am in college to learn. It feels like a lot of people forget that college is for education. 2 weeks ago on a monday morning as I walked to my 8:00 AM class I deleted Instagram, then I deleted twitter. There was no planning for this, no performative taking a mental health break! story. I just did it because I wanted to. I didn't do it to focus on education, mental health, or anything like that. I don't even know what I did it, because Instagram was my primary messaging platform for everything. But last year ago or two years ago I wouldn't have deleted instagram at all with the same excuse of its "my primary messaging platform". To be honest, instagram being "primary messaging platform" is a lie now, because no one actually messages me directly anymore. The only messages I get are from 3 people consistently sending me reels, and group chats I am in that I do not interact with that all. I have a spam instagram acconut that I was doing what I said I would do: start using the app like how people used to use it: making random posts 1 photo square posts. But I won't be keeping up with it I guess

Well what changes did I notice? Well not much, there is probably a benefit somewhere. It does make me happy I am finally able to not always be hyper-updated in the lives of others. Particularly this one guy I absolutely hate. Oh, I just realized I could write an entire blog about this one dude I cannot stand. The gist of it is that in high school he used to be so mean to me for no reason, but in college he started to see me as "cool" so then he tried sucking up to me, and basically copying anything I did. I know this stupid guy from volleyball, and half of the reason I hate him is because he would be such a fucking dick in volleyball. Actually, I haven't played volleyball since last year, and while most of it was just losing motivation and interest, I won't lie that he made it unbearable to play because he was in my friend group. He was not great at the sport, but always wanted to give me advice, and would do it in the most annoying way possible. He would even give advice to people (way) better than him! I talking about people who won championships. 

Lastly, for someone who always talked big he would NEVER live up to it. For example, he would want to play front row so he'd ask to switch, I'd say yes, but then he wouldn't switch back. And he was swing straight into the net, because even though I feel bad for saying this, he is 5'3 with no hops. Of course short people can still play front row, I'm not much taller than him. But he doesn't exactly have a good vertical jump. He had a big ego problem, he was not capable of playing for fun: get mad, give you dirty looks, but mainly stay completely silent with a big fat frown on his face. But tying it back to instagram: This guy was chronically on instagram! I think he had to have had 5 hours on the app DAILY! Anytime you saw an instagram reel he'd probably have already liked it. He'd repost a fuck ton of stuff, and post on his stories oh god his stories were so bad. "We won the tourney and our entire team slept at 5 and was hungover lmaooo" <-- Something he actually posted. I could go on and on but maybe I'll save it for next time.

I guess I have been watching more youtube, but I always liked doing that anyways. Overall still a net positive. With less things to do on my phone there is less reason to use it. I am playing more games recently, completely addicted to Smash Ultimate. I've actually been playing more and more since around october of last year. With my friends we would go and play on his switch. I don't have a switch, so I use an Emulator on my computer and connect my roommates ps4 controller to play. Cost me 0 dollars to play, fuck u nintendo. Playing through the new Planarcadia on hsr is nice too, and playing puella magi madoka magica on my psp.. 

Some other things I think I wanted to journal about is AI. So today in class during a engineering lab class, the lab was stupidly made. It was a matlab lab, they told us about how AI is a useful tool, and basically told us to use google gemini, copy and paste the code we were provided and ask AI "what does this code do"? and then made us write a short paragraph about what the AI told us the code did, then they warned us and said "don't use AI to generate your code and stuff use it as a good tool" and that if you use AI make sure to put it in the appendix. 

Ok sure whatever, but then they just threw us into the second part of the lab which was basically more time wasting: Explain what this code does, then do the code. I thought it was stupid because why did they even make me waste my time using AI and writing the first part of that lab. I actually spent more time writing explanations than actually working on the code, than coding itself. I didn't even need to use the AI, since I know matlab code pretty well. But even if I didn't why not just throw us into the second part of the lab, and then just teach us... what the code did? Plus, it's mainly retards who rely on AI so much, they're gonna use AI to code, they’re gonna fail and not get far at all, just like how they’re gonna fail in life. I hate those who use AI for everything because you already know just from how they use it they are so incompetent, lazy, and uninspired. 

But with AI I have different views about it too. I get annoyed when people are just vehemently anti-AI and they get all their information from tiktok. For example, my university announced it was building an AI research center. Keyword, research, because it's not a data center. But all the comments on LinkedIn, instagram, and reddit was just brainless college students saying "oh great water and energy prices going up, wow you guys so evil, evil capitalism". And the funny thing is, if they just using their eyes and read, they would've been able to see it was a research center dedicated to learning about the "ethics, morals, and safety of using AI." So it was literally stuff they probably would've agreed with anyways. But who am I to expect American university students to be able to read.

Additionally I was browsing the neocities reddit one day when I've been seeing some conversation about AI. One was someone who used AI images on their site, got called out for it, then deleted their site (AI images are incredibly gross, but this person got kind of witchhunted but whatever it's not my business) what did pique my interest though was a post about someone asking whether it's ok to use AI to learn HTML. It turns out they were someone who was very inexperienced in anything computer related. Many comments were of the mild side, saying don't generate your entire page using AI because that's cringe, and I agree with that. But some people said you shouldn't use AI at all and never. My input is that AI is ok to use if you are confused and want to ask "What does this line of code do?" But never use it to create images, or create your entire website. I think all people who want to learn HTML can start with W3schools and the other resources there are in the world. But AI is awful at creating but it is good at answering questions. 

Anyhow, I'm gonna write a part 2 of this later

I am incapable of love

Since today is valentines

I do not think I have ever felt love, it is not that I am asexual or whatever the term is, because I surely do crave romantic intimacy. Of course I feel familial love all the time. I feel happy when I’m with my family. But I will admit that even with my family I feel a degree of emotional fatigue from myself, where I believe I am merely pretending to be happy and loving near my family, meanwhile I’d rather wallow in my emotions alone on my bed. It’s a shameful intrusive thought that I have never been able to shake off since I was a child. I can’t remember the last time I felt love or loved someone (of course this is including the exception of my family, I already expressed how I love them dearly but cannot explain a certain anxiety). I’ve never dated, I’ve always been terrified of it. But I crave warmth and human touch or some sort of touch or just kindness and affection in general. I’ve never confessed to a girl before. I think it’s because I’m hiding, if I never get rejected, I’ll never feel ugly. It doesn’t work though, I feel ugly every day. I’ve had crushes before. Girls I found cute. I never ever did anything about it. What am I looking for? The perfect soulmate? I really have no clue. But I really want to badly. Every year since I was 13 (since that’s when teenagers start thinking about love) every time valentines rolls around I feel a very big hole in my chest. And eventually that hole does not just exist on February 14th. I am unsure whether I am capable of love. I do very much desire it, but I have always been so so scared. I’ve never asked anyone out, never confessed to anyone. One time in middle school a girl I knew from school confessed to me on discord, and I didn’t know how to react so I ignored her message for hours until she rolled it back and said “SIKE”

  

So in the past I lied. Told myself I don’t want a relationship. I said , next year when I’m more confident, comfortable, mature. Next year when something changes. I’ve been saying that for years now. In fact, I think I’ve been saying that since I was an elementary school child. I believe that I cling on to an idealized princely form of love and that contributes to my inability to feel it. I am not my ideal and I am incapable of reaching that ideal, so I am unwilling to love until a prince(ss) will come sweep me up on my feet. I am unable to love myself, therefore I am unable to even dare consider the possibility of tainting the beautiful Cinderella fairy tale I created for myself. I am not Cinderella, so I am unfit for love. It is true I only want to find someone who will be comfortable with me. Unfortunately I very much desire touch and warmth. On many days I fall asleep dreaming there will be someone who can hold me with true care. Even if platonic, I still want true warmth. I have not had a true friend who would truly accept me for everything I am. But the only person to blame for that is me. I am too many things at once, an amalgamation of people, interests, ideologies, strong emotions, and discontentedness. In many of my diary entries, I frequently revisit an "ideal." This ideal is inspired by the one psychology class I took in my senior year of high school. One unit talked about the different studies of Psychology. I forgot a bunch of shit from this class, but still remember "Humanistic Psychology" and the idea of self-actualization, which is that humans spend their entire lives trying to become their "ideal self."

I am a very greedy person. I don't think I would stop until I know everything I want to know. It is torturous that my dream shows me impossible images crafted into a creepy, incorrect peace and I will never be able to experience it. My dreams and filled with places I have never been and times I could have never experience but once the scene has been set, the seed has been sowed. I don't think I will ever stop until I can see those places in my dreams. If death came and gave me the opportunity to be everywhere, know everything, and experience the things I could have never experience, whether it's purely magical and fantastical or just a bygone era, it would be very difficult for me to turn down the allure of death. I think this may be a prime reason why I am incapable of love. I desire impossible things like to experience the dreamscape in my reality. This is an incredible hurdle that thinking about stresses me out. So I won't think about it, and right now I can think about love. 

When it comes to love, I real a lot of stories about it. I always wonder what it feels like. I wonder whether it does fill the hole in your heart and bring you something to look forward to it. I haven't crushed on anyone since 2 years ago. Perhaps some people find that the chase of love is the most exciting part. I can't say, because I seem to think I lack one of the most human features there are. I likely don't, I'm probably capable of love. I wonder if I'll be ok like this I’m just a normal teenager ranting about teenage things like how lonely I am. It’s not anything deeper than that. Then why does it feel so excruciating. It’s so easy for everyone else. It’s just normal for everyone else. Everyone has their love stories. It’s just a simple part of life for them. A romantic story like none that has come before. I’m jealous.

Intelligence is psuedo

 Note: This is a reblog from my blog archives, but edited because I wanted to change some stuff. 

Utopia is poor writing but dystopia is world renowned fiction. Everything good is fake and to be speculated on. There is no charm in the good, and you’re only smart the more you see wrong. Children are deemed intelligent by how much they understand the world and understanding the world is defined as only how much you hate the world.

There are happy people in the world. According to the internet, you are a happy ignorant. “You don’t understand. The world is collapsing. Check r/collapse.” Japanese manga and music is seen as thought provoking because it is skeptical of the world. Or because it's depressing. Depression is more interesting. Highs are only entertaining if there was a low.

The world is full of ignorance and pseudo intellectuals. Pseudo intellectuals– the mention of a pseudo implies there is a true intellectual. Now which one is it? Left or right? Existential or Nihilist? Communism or Fascism? You wouldn't want to be a wrong side of history, would you? You're a fascist, I'm a fascist, we can be fascists together. “The Evil American empire has fallen” – said the zeitgeist of every decade. It's difficult to grasp the zeitgeist for this decade though, because there is no collective consciousness it is DEAD as a matter of fact it never existed. 

“Why is how intelligent you are equated to how much you hate america?” The more tiktoks and instagram reels I have scrolled is the more information I have. It’s equivalent to educating myself! All you need to do is listen to the nth number of alt/goth/punk girl/guy/they with socialist/communist/anarcho views on twitter/tiktok/instagram/youtube to teach you surface level wikipedia information then you’ll finally be an intellectual. One more tweet. I promise. One more tweet. One more string of words to tell you the obvious: Epstein didn't kill himself, but you know who did? I know who did. IT WAS THE ____ <--- Fill in the blank with group you dislike. It's interesting how we all have access to the same files but everyone wants you to believe they were always right. It obviously flew over many peoples heads that the 3 million files the FBI released are muddled with truths, allegations, and outright schizophrenia ramblings. 

The far right Nick Fuentes cocksuckers want you to believe the Jews did everything, there are genuinely chronically online douche bags that think epstein watching FNAF porn and being on the 4chan yuri board is more important than Epstein deserving to suffer in all 16 hot and cold hells of Naraka, and the Far left... also blame the Jews. More specifically, they want you to believe that this is proof Russia, china, and over east are morally correct. Lets not forget Epstein got his hands on clothes from the Kaaba, that sacred Muslim rock thing, that a UAE higher up gave him. And Mao impregnated a 14 year old. and Stalin did the same with a 13 year old. Some claims, were told by an unemployed schizophrenic man who "recovered repressed memories" and believed both his feet were cut off ritual style: Found with both feet still attached. People wonder why the FBI did not take some allegations seriously.  But yeah, men can't wear women's clothing and gay people can't get married because of my bible/quran sai- Just stop. 

Adults are deemed intelligent by how much they "get it" and how much they "get it" is defined by how far along the political spectrum they are, and who they surround yourself with. There is no excuse to any form of conservatism, because conservatism, despite it's large ranges of definitions and personalities, is a fascist violent ideology that kills those who disagree! By the way, Charlie Kirk deserved to get shot. 

No, I understand, the world IS collapsing, and the root of all evil is obvious, it’s monarchy religion atheism patrichary capitalism! Because I solved the worlds equation, I understand, I know, meanwhile when I walk outside and look at the people near I grin because they don’t know. They don’t know about the boogeyman evil therefore they are lower than me. They are happy, they are stupid. They are happy, they are not intellectuals. Everything is bad. If there is good, it must be secretly bad. I have solved the equation to reality, to the system, to the country, to the institution, to the Earth.

Intelligence is knowing the problem but not the solution. Scratch “is knowing” from that sentence.

“The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain. If you can't lick 'em, join 'em. If it hurts, repeat it. But to praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace violence is to lose hold of everything else. We have almost lost hold; we can no longer describe happy man, nor make any celebration of joy.”

-Ursula K LeGuin

The moment someone read this, they'll immediately try to determine my political ideology and label me into an umbrella term I do not consent to being a part of. This is a grave insult to me, because it undermines my retardedness. People create political labels because-- getting to know someone, understanding their political views and nuances, that takes time and effort! It's significantly easier to create a label, strawman someone's beliefs, to make it more comprehendible to you. Then you know if someone is a Nat-zee. Because being an intellectual is all about labels. The number of books you read, number of degrees you have, the score you have on the ideological purity test. You can't be Aryan, unless you're a South Asian man with a twitter account that solely defends lolicons. Don't even call me a centrist. 

One day or one month or one year this will be archived maybe in the wayback machine and someone will read this and they’ll call me pretentious. But they’re wrong, I’m not pretentious, I’m a pseudo intellectual. Because sounding sophisticated is far more important than getting your point across, or explaining what you mean. Everyone knows that a sesquipedalian style of writing makes you cool. I quoted Omelas not because it inspired me to write this “higher than thou” satire but because it’ll make me sound like a college professor, since I’m in the minority: you haven’t read it, but I have.

“The place they go towards is a place even less imaginable to most of us than the city of happiness. I cannot describe it at all. It is possible that it does not exist. But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.”

By the way, did you know the MISO and MOSI pins on SPI protocols on your average microcontroller stands for "Master in, Slave out" and "Master out, Slave in"? Incredibly strange names to describe the roles of electronic modules... I mean it makes sense though..

Sinophobia is FAKE!

 HI EVERYONE! I have a hot take: 

Today I would like to talk about a concept that came to me when I was drunk. SINOPHOBIA IS FAKE~! Sinophobia is a psyop created by the big Xi and his greatest soldier, Li Jingjing, and our resident dog ZAPPER Hasanabi. The idea of sinophobia was invented by insecure chinese americans who are upset that Japan has anime, korea has kpop, and China has temu... Sinophobia was invented by big alibaba to make chinese americans think it's about West vs. East, trying to distract us from the riot games kernel level anti cheat!  

OK I'M DONE TROLLING, (or am i) BUT sinophobia is as real as "americaphobia" During covid when there were racist attacks done to asian people but racist people were not going up to asian grandmas saying "konnichiwa! ok ur not japanese... saranghae! ok ur not korean... NI HAO... YOU'RE CHINESE?? TAKE THIS!" they were just going after people with small eyes. racists can't tell no difference. Realistically, americans get hella flak online, people literally create fanfics of them "OWNING an american in a bar" then post it on reddit to get UPDOOTS! There's no word called americaphobia... and there shouldnt be. how stupid would it sound if I got called a FAT BURGER YANK in london and then i yelled "americaphobia!" by the way, i love burgers and i am a yank but i AM NOT FAT! I AM 110 POUNDS AND 5'8! FREEDOM UNITS ONLY!

I also have been getting this "asian fatigue" <--- I coined this term btw. I AM SO TIRED OF ABGS AND ABBs. "asian baby girl, asian baby boy" This archetype of asian has surprassed the kevin ngyugens, and they have DESTROYED THE STEREOTYPE THAT ASIANS ARE SMART. I have gotten profiled by OTHER ASIANS. they look at me and say, you look like you listen to keshi, and play valorant or league, and wear stussy. I HATE KESHI, HIS MUSIC SUCKS, and i HATE VALORANT i peaked only at gold 1. and i would never wear stussy in my life! I am not an "ABB", i like to do makeup and wear womens clothing, i like to play with electronics and build esp32 wifi 2.4ghz jammers! there is a difference! When i tell you i am tired of asian americans, i mean it fully. I have been around them for too long. BUT DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A "i want to hang out with white americans instead" BECAUSE I DONT! All they care about in my uni is drinking alc, doing drugs, and going out to frats, and rushing. and these stupid ugly frat boys, all they do is NOTHING. they walk around like they're the shit, with this certain strut. and they are SO loud. 

I WISH THE NRF24L01 range was longer, so I could jam bluetooth devices from more than 100 meters away! Tell me why these CLOSETED GAY FRAT BOYS are blasting their shitty playboy carti at 3 am. Don't they know about real music like, Plastic tree and glamscure and MUCC?? 

Anyways, there are 16 layers of Naraka waiting for Jeffery Epstein and his pedo friends. I hope Mr. Epstein has lots of fun in the the 8 layers of hot hell, then has a nice back splitting dip into the 8 cold hells

-sincerely professional hater hym the DEER  

 naturally, it's suddenly justified to talk about an individual once as long as you use your higher than thou morals to label them and treat them as the other. i know about it, because i once indulged in it. once i changed, once i was the nail that stood out. they just whispered, they didn't even attempt to communicate. my own character has been ostracized, by the untrue characterization from my own. its very simple. this is the contrarian. treat the zeitgeist as your enemy, get ready for it to fight back. it comes from your peers and your friends.  but then, at the end of the day, you're a radical

Winter break is over

Today is my last day of winter break. In a couple of hours, I go take a bus back to college. I'm not excited... It's a combination of a lot of stuff.

I guess I really just don't have energy for certain things. It's only about to be my second semester of my first year, but I already feel like I don't fit in. I don't have energy to socialize, but I feel obligated to. I don't particularly like a lot of people at my college, because all of them are prioritized on partying and greek life. It's not that there isn't cool people, I bet there are. Not to mention my dorm building is so noisy. It makes me so mad, why are people up at 3 am jumping up and down in the hallways? Oh and the food. I hate it. It's so bad I want to cry. Well it's not BAD as in inedible, it's bad as in super unhealthy and I NEED to eat it because I have a meal plan. 

My schedule this semester is the worst too. I am taking, two engineering classes, physics, geography, chinese. It sounds like it would be reasonable, but for physics I need to meet 6 times a week. I have physics twice on tuesdays... what?? And my uni has the worst physics professors from what I've heard. I actually despise this schools engineering curriculum

I don't really fit in with the people here, but I think that's just going to be the same no matter what university I go to. I've discovered that I hate frat parties and I'm not going to go out to parties this semester at all. I made friends in my first semester but just didn't click with most of them. I still kinda forced myself to talk to them because they aren't bad people + I selfishly didn't want to be lonely. Luckily I do like my roommates. I'm just exhausted and winter break was great because I could hang out with people that I liked whenever I wanted, and stay at home and read yuri whenever I wanted. It also sucks that I won't be able to do my DIY's anymore, because I'm not bringing a sewing machine all the way to college. I will bring my fabric paints, but I don't know whether I'd get the time to use it. 

My friend told me I just need to find my people, and he's right because I don't have a set group. I do have people I consider myself close to, but we are in different majors, different dorm buildings, and there's some other circumstances. 

I'm just worried I'm going to spiral again, being at home and having free time defintely did calm me down for now. I also want to find a job. 

 

Here's the last DIY I did yesterday, my last screen printing. Similar to the last one, I just turned this pullover hoodie into a zipup, did the faux fur stuff, then screen printed a design I stole from pinterest

Successful DIY!

    Before, and After! This is genuinely my most successful DIY, I'll explain my process. The original hoodie was a black H&M hoodie my sister gave me since she no longer worn it. I decided to make it a zip-up, so I went to hobby lobby and bought a 20 inch zipper. To turn it into a zipup, I seam ripped the "V" part of the hoodie at the top to make it possible to cut it in half. After I cut it in half, I sewed on the zipper by halves. It's very important to sew the zipper inwards. I will not lie: I quickly learned that I needed to learn how to sew straight when I started sewing. I was getting away with it by doing patches in the past, but now this was very important. I was getting super frustrated with the machine because my clothing kept on drifting to the left. But I realized there was an easy fix, which is to actually put the entire garment on the damn feeder dials... If you can see on this photo below, I was not doing that, because I am retarded. But despite the stitch being so ugly on the first half, on the second half of the zipper I did wayyy better. I completely neglected to do a top stitch for the zipper which is recommended but I really just did not want to do it. Also, I don't have black thread. (just making excuses for myself, this is why I hate myself). The second thing I did was add the lace on the hood. I got the inspiration from j-fashion, especially subcul styles. I kinda just winged the sewing for that. 

Lastly, THE SCREEN PRINTING. I spent so much time on it, and I'm so happy with how it turned out. Screen printing has been one of my biggest friends and enemies. With my leftover amazon gift card balance, I bought this entire kit for screen printing from Speedball. Screen printing is basically creating an ultra detailed stencil using chemicals (photo emulsion). And it takes SOOO much trial and error. 

If you can see on the right side of the hoodie, that was my first failed attempt with the screen printing. Honestly I'm not even mad about how it looks right now, right now I just look at it and think of it as a sign of my labor.