I am incapable of love

Since today is valentines

I do not think I have ever felt love, it is not that I am asexual or whatever the term is, because I surely do crave romantic intimacy. Of course I feel familial love all the time. I feel happy when I’m with my family. But I will admit that even with my family I feel a degree of emotional fatigue from myself, where I believe I am merely pretending to be happy and loving near my family, meanwhile I’d rather wallow in my emotions alone on my bed. It’s a shameful intrusive thought that I have never been able to shake off since I was a child. I can’t remember the last time I felt love or loved someone (of course this is including the exception of my family, I already expressed how I love them dearly but cannot explain a certain anxiety). I’ve never dated, I’ve always been terrified of it. But I crave warmth and human touch or some sort of touch or just kindness and affection in general. I’ve never confessed to a girl before. I think it’s because I’m hiding, if I never get rejected, I’ll never feel ugly. It doesn’t work though, I feel ugly every day. I’ve had crushes before. Girls I found cute. I never ever did anything about it. What am I looking for? The perfect soulmate? I really have no clue. But I really want to badly. Every year since I was 13 (since that’s when teenagers start thinking about love) every time valentines rolls around I feel a very big hole in my chest. And eventually that hole does not just exist on February 14th. I am unsure whether I am capable of love. I do very much desire it, but I have always been so so scared. I’ve never asked anyone out, never confessed to anyone. One time in middle school a girl I knew from school confessed to me on discord, and I didn’t know how to react so I ignored her message for hours until she rolled it back and said “SIKE”

  

So in the past I lied. Told myself I don’t want a relationship. I said , next year when I’m more confident, comfortable, mature. Next year when something changes. I’ve been saying that for years now. In fact, I think I’ve been saying that since I was an elementary school child. I believe that I cling on to an idealized princely form of love and that contributes to my inability to feel it. I am not my ideal and I am incapable of reaching that ideal, so I am unwilling to love until a prince(ss) will come sweep me up on my feet. I am unable to love myself, therefore I am unable to even dare consider the possibility of tainting the beautiful Cinderella fairy tale I created for myself. I am not Cinderella, so I am unfit for love. It is true I only want to find someone who will be comfortable with me. Unfortunately I very much desire touch and warmth. On many days I fall asleep dreaming there will be someone who can hold me with true care. Even if platonic, I still want true warmth. I have not had a true friend who would truly accept me for everything I am. But the only person to blame for that is me. I am too many things at once, an amalgamation of people, interests, ideologies, strong emotions, and discontentedness. In many of my diary entries, I frequently revisit an "ideal." This ideal is inspired by the one psychology class I took in my senior year of high school. One unit talked about the different studies of Psychology. I forgot a bunch of shit from this class, but still remember "Humanistic Psychology" and the idea of self-actualization, which is that humans spend their entire lives trying to become their "ideal self."

I am a very greedy person. I don't think I would stop until I know everything I want to know. It is torturous that my dream shows me impossible images crafted into a creepy, incorrect peace and I will never be able to experience it. My dreams and filled with places I have never been and times I could have never experience but once the scene has been set, the seed has been sowed. I don't think I will ever stop until I can see those places in my dreams. If death came and gave me the opportunity to be everywhere, know everything, and experience the things I could have never experience, whether it's purely magical and fantastical or just a bygone era, it would be very difficult for me to turn down the allure of death. I think this may be a prime reason why I am incapable of love. I desire impossible things like to experience the dreamscape in my reality. This is an incredible hurdle that thinking about stresses me out. So I won't think about it, and right now I can think about love. 

When it comes to love, I real a lot of stories about it. I always wonder what it feels like. I wonder whether it does fill the hole in your heart and bring you something to look forward to it. I haven't crushed on anyone since 2 years ago. Perhaps some people find that the chase of love is the most exciting part. I can't say, because I seem to think I lack one of the most human features there are. I likely don't, I'm probably capable of love. I wonder if I'll be ok like this I’m just a normal teenager ranting about teenage things like how lonely I am. It’s not anything deeper than that. Then why does it feel so excruciating. It’s so easy for everyone else. It’s just normal for everyone else. Everyone has their love stories. It’s just a simple part of life for them. A romantic story like none that has come before. I’m jealous.