I finished my freshman year of college 2 weeks ago, ending it the way I started it. Getting sick and having a 101 F fever. That marked the 5th time I've gotten sick in around 8 months of college. Last week, my grades came out. I'm happy to say my effort paid off and my grades are good right now.
In this blog from 4 months ago, I wrote about not fitting in and not having energy for anything. Much of that sentiment stayed the same. I remember hearing "try to stay in your dorm as little as you can" from some silly instagram post before my first semester, so for my first semester I forced myself to be in the library and events I really just didn't want to go to or do. On my second semester, I stayed in my dorm a lot more, which I think was better for me. Because I got to relax and be more comfortable. I really only spent energy on stuff I cared about or wanted to do, like a robotics club and also the smash club that hosts tournaments (though that was way later down the line).
I think I gave up on trying so hard and was ok being in solitude. I deleted all my socials a quarter way into the semester. I was tired of a lot of things and one of those was people posting their fake lives with their fake friends and fake groups with fake personalities. My resentment was growing, so I just deleted it to get away from it. In the months following, I was definitely way more calm. It didn't solve all my problems but it was a good change.
I think I was pretty "locked in" in certain ways. I was pretty consistent with piano practice, and someone I know helped me with a gym routine. I began going to the gym 3 times a week to take care of my physical health. Every one yells at me to gain weight (including my gymrat friends), gain muscle, but honestly, I don't give a crap about that. It actually kind of annoys me. I'm at a healthy weight, even if it's at the lower side. It just annoys me everyone has a picture of what a man should look like, especially with the 2020s explosions in gym content. Going to the gym is great, but not every guy wants to pursue bodybuilding. Focusing on being healthy, getting stronger, and being more athletic is my goal. And mogging xd
Though something I have to complain about is when I need to talk to people at the gym. I always went to the gym alone, and when it was packed I HATED it because I would need to talk to people and ask to "work in" with them, or share equipment. I really did not want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to blast music at max volume and do what I want and leave. Our college gym is pretty small too so this happened often.
I was being more of a delinquent, skipping a LOT of class (I'm a smart skipper though, I only skip when I know it won't affect me), and someone I met was honestly a stoner and got me to try stuff. It's ok because he respected my boundaries and never pushed me to try anything. I tried smoking weed for the first couple times. I tried it, but I couldn't get high. It was only until I tried edibles I got it, but I didn't have a good trip at all because I was sick during it. I also tried nicotine, hated it, and will probably never do it again. I still like drinking alc over anything else, but I reserve drinking for special occasions. Some of the people I met, goodness they were gone. Hitting the vape like every 20 seconds, telling me they get withdrawal symptoms.
With the exception of these stoner friends who I didn't hang out with all that much, I really hated social interaction at all. Even when someone I loosely knew said Hi and had some small talk, I wanted to leave within 10 seconds. I couldn't help but hate how fake it all was, and I struggled to even remember peoples names. My social anxiety got to an all time high because sometimes I would see someone I talked to in class walking around and I had no idea if I should say hi or not so I either pretended to not see them or just looked down so I literally did not see them.
I hate hate hate being perceived. Especially when I'm walking around trying to get to class and someone, or a group of someones, pauses to look me up and down and just think unwarranted thoughts about me. I'm not that important, and psychology says my mind is just extending that millisecond glance into multiple seconds. I don't care though. Stop looking at me. Stop thinking about me. I do not want your thoughts about me. Why do you care? Am I strange enough to look at? Keep talking with your friends.
A new pastime for me now is to watch Vtubers. Streamers always felt boring to me, I don't understand people who watch Kai Cenat or HasanAbi for hours on end. But a few too many youtube compilations and now I put on a fuwamoco stream in the background while I do something. I was always dissuaded from Vtubers because there's this guy I knew from middle school who was super cringe about them. Posted like NSFW fanart on his instagram close friends story. This is the part where I'd say they aren't like that. But reading through youtube comment sections, lurking in some reddit posts, yeah these guys are fucking weirdos lmao. Unfortunately, I'm a rare fan who knows they all play a character, and I'm not a retard who believes that the streamer loves me. There's actually a term for that kind of vtuber fan I learned, it's called "unicorn."
For me, watching hololive is very comforting. It melts away a lot of my stress even if it's just for a little bit. I like watching it like it's a reality TV show, minus the drama and cancer. Some people care so much about their personal lives. I couldn't care less, just seeing a bunch of people play video games and do stupid stuff together is enough. It makes me happy. I'm glad I stopped caring about being a loser.
Once again, in previously mentioned blog from 4 months ago I said I didn't hate my roommates. And that's the truth, but it also does take another 4 months for you to get prettyy fed up with some of the things your roommates do. For one, I'm in a triple room, and my room is pretty cramped. We have a small-ish room, then the bathroom with piss poor ventilation, so a lot of times they'd take a shower (or take a shit) and the steam from the shower would make the room super stuffy. So I would always be the one to open the window, then close it, and monitor all that stuff. We only got our bathroom cleaned once a week which is pretty crazy in my opinion. If it were any other teenage boys, that shit would be a steamy hot pile of shit.
And it's not just the shower too. One guy was super addicted to ramen noodles to the point he was making it 4 times a week, and he would use his rice cooker for it because he had no other way to boil water. And then the room would now be steamy and now have the smell of shin ramen, so again, I was the one who was opening the window, spraying the room with Febreeze. Additionally, while one of my roommates was pretty aware about smells, the other, just wasn't. I brought to the room a lot of those plug in Febreeze so the room would never stink, but this guy bro. He'd put his sweaty clothes into a bag that he put into his closet for it to ferment. We had to tell him so many times that he should NOT do that. (Also he'd come back from a day and without washing himself just hopped into bed? I mean it's not my bed, so whatever, but I don't think I saw him wash his sheets). The main saving grace is that all of us were chinks and chinks don't have the worst BO, though it can absolutely get really bad.
That wraps it up for this blog entry at least.
Bye
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