I am incapable of love

Since today is valentines

I do not think I have ever felt love, it is not that I am asexual or whatever the term is, because I surely do crave romantic intimacy. Of course I feel familial love all the time. I feel happy when I’m with my family. But I will admit that even with my family I feel a degree of emotional fatigue from myself, where I believe I am merely pretending to be happy and loving near my family, meanwhile I’d rather wallow in my emotions alone on my bed. It’s a shameful intrusive thought that I have never been able to shake off since I was a child. I can’t remember the last time I felt love or loved someone (of course this is including the exception of my family, I already expressed how I love them dearly but cannot explain a certain anxiety). I’ve never dated, I’ve always been terrified of it. But I crave warmth and human touch or some sort of touch or just kindness and affection in general. I’ve never confessed to a girl before. I think it’s because I’m hiding, if I never get rejected, I’ll never feel ugly. It doesn’t work though, I feel ugly every day. I’ve had crushes before. Girls I found cute. I never ever did anything about it. What am I looking for? The perfect soulmate? I really have no clue. But I really want to badly. Every year since I was 13 (since that’s when teenagers start thinking about love) every time valentines rolls around I feel a very big hole in my chest. And eventually that hole does not just exist on February 14th. I am unsure whether I am capable of love. I do very much desire it, but I have always been so so scared. I’ve never asked anyone out, never confessed to anyone. One time in middle school a girl I knew from school confessed to me on discord, and I didn’t know how to react so I ignored her message for hours until she rolled it back and said “SIKE”

  

So in the past I lied. Told myself I don’t want a relationship. I said , next year when I’m more confident, comfortable, mature. Next year when something changes. I’ve been saying that for years now. In fact, I think I’ve been saying that since I was an elementary school child. I believe that I cling on to an idealized princely form of love and that contributes to my inability to feel it. I am not my ideal and I am incapable of reaching that ideal, so I am unwilling to love until a prince(ss) will come sweep me up on my feet. I am unable to love myself, therefore I am unable to even dare consider the possibility of tainting the beautiful Cinderella fairy tale I created for myself. I am not Cinderella, so I am unfit for love. It is true I only want to find someone who will be comfortable with me. Unfortunately I very much desire touch and warmth. On many days I fall asleep dreaming there will be someone who can hold me with true care. Even if platonic, I still want true warmth. I have not had a true friend who would truly accept me for everything I am. But the only person to blame for that is me. I am too many things at once, an amalgamation of people, interests, ideologies, strong emotions, and discontentedness. In many of my diary entries, I frequently revisit an "ideal." This ideal is inspired by the one psychology class I took in my senior year of high school. One unit talked about the different studies of Psychology. I forgot a bunch of shit from this class, but still remember "Humanistic Psychology" and the idea of self-actualization, which is that humans spend their entire lives trying to become their "ideal self."

I am a very greedy person. I don't think I would stop until I know everything I want to know. It is torturous that my dream shows me impossible images crafted into a creepy, incorrect peace and I will never be able to experience it. My dreams and filled with places I have never been and times I could have never experience but once the scene has been set, the seed has been sowed. I don't think I will ever stop until I can see those places in my dreams. If death came and gave me the opportunity to be everywhere, know everything, and experience the things I could have never experience, whether it's purely magical and fantastical or just a bygone era, it would be very difficult for me to turn down the allure of death. I think this may be a prime reason why I am incapable of love. I desire impossible things like to experience the dreamscape in my reality. This is an incredible hurdle that thinking about stresses me out. So I won't think about it, and right now I can think about love. 

When it comes to love, I real a lot of stories about it. I always wonder what it feels like. I wonder whether it does fill the hole in your heart and bring you something to look forward to it. I haven't crushed on anyone since 2 years ago. Perhaps some people find that the chase of love is the most exciting part. I can't say, because I seem to think I lack one of the most human features there are. I likely don't, I'm probably capable of love. I wonder if I'll be ok like this I’m just a normal teenager ranting about teenage things like how lonely I am. It’s not anything deeper than that. Then why does it feel so excruciating. It’s so easy for everyone else. It’s just normal for everyone else. Everyone has their love stories. It’s just a simple part of life for them. A romantic story like none that has come before. I’m jealous.

Intelligence is psuedo

 Note: This is a reblog from my blog archives, but edited because I wanted to change some stuff. 

Utopia is poor writing but dystopia is world renowned fiction. Everything good is fake and to be speculated on. There is no charm in the good, and you’re only smart the more you see wrong. Children are deemed intelligent by how much they understand the world and understanding the world is defined as only how much you hate the world.

There are happy people in the world. According to the internet, you are a happy ignorant. “You don’t understand. The world is collapsing. Check r/collapse.” Japanese manga and music is seen as thought provoking because it is skeptical of the world. Or because it's depressing. Depression is more interesting. Highs are only entertaining if there was a low.

The world is full of ignorance and pseudo intellectuals. Pseudo intellectuals– the mention of a pseudo implies there is a true intellectual. Now which one is it? Left or right? Existential or Nihilist? Communism or Fascism? You wouldn't want to be a wrong side of history, would you? You're a fascist, I'm a fascist, we can be fascists together. “The Evil American empire has fallen” – said the zeitgeist of every decade. It's difficult to grasp the zeitgeist for this decade though, because there is no collective consciousness it is DEAD as a matter of fact it never existed. 

“Why is how intelligent you are equated to how much you hate america?” The more tiktoks and instagram reels I have scrolled is the more information I have. It’s equivalent to educating myself! All you need to do is listen to the nth number of alt/goth/punk girl/guy/they with socialist/communist/anarcho views on twitter/tiktok/instagram/youtube to teach you surface level wikipedia information then you’ll finally be an intellectual. One more tweet. I promise. One more tweet. One more string of words to tell you the obvious: Epstein didn't kill himself, but you know who did? I know who did. IT WAS THE ____ <--- Fill in the blank with group you dislike. It's interesting how we all have access to the same files but everyone wants you to believe they were always right. It obviously flew over many peoples heads that the 3 million files the FBI released are muddled with truths, allegations, and outright schizophrenia ramblings. 

The far right Nick Fuentes cocksuckers want you to believe the Jews did everything, there are genuinely chronically online douche bags that think epstein watching FNAF porn and being on the 4chan yuri board is more important than Epstein deserving to suffer in all 16 hot and cold hells of Naraka, and the Far left... also blame the Jews. More specifically, they want you to believe that this is proof Russia, china, and over east are morally correct. Lets not forget Epstein got his hands on clothes from the Kaaba, that sacred Muslim rock thing, that a UAE higher up gave him. And Mao impregnated a 14 year old. and Stalin did the same with a 13 year old. Some claims, were told by an unemployed schizophrenic man who "recovered repressed memories" and believed both his feet were cut off ritual style: Found with both feet still attached. People wonder why the FBI did not take some allegations seriously.  But yeah, men can't wear women's clothing and gay people can't get married because of my bible/quran sai- Just stop. 

Adults are deemed intelligent by how much they "get it" and how much they "get it" is defined by how far along the political spectrum they are, and who they surround yourself with. There is no excuse to any form of conservatism, because conservatism, despite it's large ranges of definitions and personalities, is a fascist violent ideology that kills those who disagree! By the way, Charlie Kirk deserved to get shot. 

No, I understand, the world IS collapsing, and the root of all evil is obvious, it’s monarchy religion atheism patrichary capitalism! Because I solved the worlds equation, I understand, I know, meanwhile when I walk outside and look at the people near I grin because they don’t know. They don’t know about the boogeyman evil therefore they are lower than me. They are happy, they are stupid. They are happy, they are not intellectuals. Everything is bad. If there is good, it must be secretly bad. I have solved the equation to reality, to the system, to the country, to the institution, to the Earth.

Intelligence is knowing the problem but not the solution. Scratch “is knowing” from that sentence.

“The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain. If you can't lick 'em, join 'em. If it hurts, repeat it. But to praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace violence is to lose hold of everything else. We have almost lost hold; we can no longer describe happy man, nor make any celebration of joy.”

-Ursula K LeGuin

The moment someone read this, they'll immediately try to determine my political ideology and label me into an umbrella term I do not consent to being a part of. This is a grave insult to me, because it undermines my retardedness. People create political labels because-- getting to know someone, understanding their political views and nuances, that takes time and effort! It's significantly easier to create a label, strawman someone's beliefs, to make it more comprehendible to you. Then you know if someone is a Nat-zee. Because being an intellectual is all about labels. The number of books you read, number of degrees you have, the score you have on the ideological purity test. You can't be Aryan, unless you're a South Asian man with a twitter account that solely defends lolicons. Don't even call me a centrist. 

One day or one month or one year this will be archived maybe in the wayback machine and someone will read this and they’ll call me pretentious. But they’re wrong, I’m not pretentious, I’m a pseudo intellectual. Because sounding sophisticated is far more important than getting your point across, or explaining what you mean. Everyone knows that a sesquipedalian style of writing makes you cool. I quoted Omelas not because it inspired me to write this “higher than thou” satire but because it’ll make me sound like a college professor, since I’m in the minority: you haven’t read it, but I have.

“The place they go towards is a place even less imaginable to most of us than the city of happiness. I cannot describe it at all. It is possible that it does not exist. But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.”

By the way, did you know the MISO and MOSI pins on SPI protocols on your average microcontroller stands for "Master in, Slave out" and "Master out, Slave in"? Incredibly strange names to describe the roles of electronic modules... I mean it makes sense though..

Sinophobia is FAKE!

 HI EVERYONE! I have a hot take: 

Today I would like to talk about a concept that came to me when I was drunk. SINOPHOBIA IS FAKE~! Sinophobia is a psyop created by the big Xi and his greatest soldier, Li Jingjing, and our resident dog ZAPPER Hasanabi. The idea of sinophobia was invented by insecure chinese americans who are upset that Japan has anime, korea has kpop, and China has temu... Sinophobia was invented by big alibaba to make chinese americans think it's about West vs. East, trying to distract us from the riot games kernel level anti cheat!  

OK I'M DONE TROLLING, (or am i) BUT sinophobia is as real as "americaphobia" During covid when there were racist attacks done to asian people but racist people were not going up to asian grandmas saying "konnichiwa! ok ur not japanese... saranghae! ok ur not korean... NI HAO... YOU'RE CHINESE?? TAKE THIS!" they were just going after people with small eyes. racists can't tell no difference. Realistically, americans get hella flak online, people literally create fanfics of them "OWNING an american in a bar" then post it on reddit to get UPDOOTS! There's no word called americaphobia... and there shouldnt be. how stupid would it sound if I got called a FAT BURGER YANK in london and then i yelled "americaphobia!" by the way, i love burgers and i am a yank but i AM NOT FAT! I AM 110 POUNDS AND 5'8! FREEDOM UNITS ONLY!

I also have been getting this "asian fatigue" <--- I coined this term btw. I AM SO TIRED OF ABGS AND ABBs. "asian baby girl, asian baby boy" This archetype of asian has surprassed the kevin ngyugens, and they have DESTROYED THE STEREOTYPE THAT ASIANS ARE SMART. I have gotten profiled by OTHER ASIANS. they look at me and say, you look like you listen to keshi, and play valorant or league, and wear stussy. I HATE KESHI, HIS MUSIC SUCKS, and i HATE VALORANT i peaked only at gold 1. and i would never wear stussy in my life! I am not an "ABB", i like to do makeup and wear womens clothing, i like to play with electronics and build esp32 wifi 2.4ghz jammers! there is a difference! When i tell you i am tired of asian americans, i mean it fully. I have been around them for too long. BUT DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A "i want to hang out with white americans instead" BECAUSE I DONT! All they care about in my uni is drinking alc, doing drugs, and going out to frats, and rushing. and these stupid ugly frat boys, all they do is NOTHING. they walk around like they're the shit, with this certain strut. and they are SO loud. 

I WISH THE NRF24L01 range was longer, so I could jam bluetooth devices from more than 100 meters away! Tell me why these CLOSETED GAY FRAT BOYS are blasting their shitty playboy carti at 3 am. Don't they know about real music like, Plastic tree and glamscure and MUCC?? 

Anyways, there are 16 layers of Naraka waiting for Jeffery Epstein and his pedo friends. I hope Mr. Epstein has lots of fun in the the 8 layers of hot hell, then has a nice back splitting dip into the 8 cold hells

-sincerely professional hater hym the DEER  

 naturally, it's suddenly justified to talk about an individual once as long as you use your higher than thou morals to label them and treat them as the other. i know about it, because i once indulged in it. once i changed, once i was the nail that stood out. they just whispered, they didn't even attempt to communicate. my own character has been ostracized, by the untrue characterization from my own. its very simple. this is the contrarian. treat the zeitgeist as your enemy, get ready for it to fight back. it comes from your peers and your friends.  but then, at the end of the day, you're a radical